Buckle up, kids. It's going to be a long one. But the first in my series of what is part of the "Cosby Comedy Tour"-- or just a series of posts about funny Cosby life stuff.
Chip and I are a dealbreaker couple. This means that when we met, we had agreed on specific things, known as "deal breakers." If one of these agreements were changed by one of the parties involved, the relationship would be "doomed." The most important deal breaker was not the agreement not to cheat, that comes like second, maybe third in the list of "most harmful things to happen to the Cosby house." (that's a joke, folks.)
Our main deal breaker comes in one scary word: "BABY"
Yep. A little roly pol squirmy shit taking eat machine. (Isn't that the technical term?)
After a bit of hindsight, I've noticed that I've got the burden on this deal breaker. NOT CHIP. He's got it easy. Let me explain. As a woman, why am the one that has to defend myself every time I tell people we're not having kids?
We say to people:
"No, we're not having kids."
I get high eyebrows. Chip gets hi fives.
The first time this question was asked was pretty much right after we exchanged our vows. (I think the officiant asked us under the chuppa, actually). Ok, it wasn't that quick, but you get the gist. So usually, when someone approaches me and Chip and asks, "When are you having kids?" I get to the point where I stop, count to ten, exhale and repeat before I answer. There are two reasons for this.
First, it prevents me from popping off and telling someone to go screw themselves and mind their own business. But since I'm such a nice person, with manners and respect for human emotions (don't laugh), I do the inhale-exhale-count and reply instead with,
"Chip and I don't want kids." Then I breathe-count-exhale again, because the I know the next reply from our questioner:
"What? Why? you two you would have awesome kids. Don't worry--you have time, you'll change your mind one day."
"FUCK YOU!" Oops. No, that was in my head... I did the breathe-count-exhale thing.
All joking aside, this is where I start my defense. By the time I'm done breaking down their argument for Chip and I having children, I quickly realize I should have been a lawyer. I'd be a lot richer and I'd have much nicer wardrobe. But ultimately, I just like seeing my child-promoting prosecutor drop their case.
I can't stand around and lie that there isn't a deep-rooted desire to see how Chip and my DNA would combine. I actually call this "The Kitchen Cook Defense," not quite unlike the "Twinkie Defense" made famous by the Milk case, but more that it's and also just a catchall term when trying to describe a derisive label for a b.s. defense. Unless you actually argue it well.
Here, my friends is the "Kitchen Cook Defense" in having children:
I love to cook. However, when I cook, I know the labels of the ingredients, and what they mix with and I always know what the outcome will be if I flavor chicken breast with fresh herbs or if I flavor it with BBQ sauce. They work great separately, but put those seasonings together to create a new flavor of chicken breast and....well, you get the point.
Of course, every once in a while I like to try something new. I like to take two things, that I've never mixed together and see what happens. Of course, I know what each flavor tastes like separately. I also know that chicken can be finicky if not made correctly. If the seasonings don't mix, the chicken won't taste right.
Every once in a while I will try to combine flavorings that I haven't combined before just to see how it comes out. Most of the time, the dish comes out great, but there is sometimes something missing or maybe it seems a little off. However, there are the other times, the combination of ingredients are blended, and the dish comes out terribly wrong. A horrible food experiment. If this is the case, we just trash it and order Chinese.
So, with cooking things, it comes out to ego. Chip and I can cook something up together just to see if we can make something delicious together. Then we could have people over to our house for a dinner party and everyone can ogle about how amazing our "dish" turned out.
Well, damn if I don't want to be the one to clean up those dishes. By the way, you've picked up on the euphemism of DNA combos being ingredients in cooking chicken, right? Okay, good. Carry on.
And to further my "Cook defense" lets just assume that if we hold all of these dinner parties, or go to other people's dinner parties and ogle their dishes (which we would still do even if we didn't cook) that we'd be missing out on going OUT to all those great restaurants where we eat a delightfully fancy meal. Personally, I don't think they would let me bring my own chicken dish to their restaurant. The other patrons tend to get annoyed.
I think my food analogy may be a bit lost, or that perhaps I've digressed from my original argument, which is why Chip and I don't want kids and how we defend our stance.
Let me remind everyone that we are NOT (I repeat, NOT) anti-children. We are just anti-our-own-children. I love my niece, nephew, my friends' children. But I can return them. I can play until my arms hurt and then kindly place them back in their parents' loving arms. We love the fact that our friends and siblings have kids. A bit of pressure relieved from us. I recall last year, ten of our friends were pregnant at one point or another, or all at once (it overlapped). Can't you just imagine, Chip and I just sitting at home, thinking,
"Do you remember when we had friends that weren't having a kid? No? Neither do I."
Then we let out heavy sighs and continue planning baby showers.
So back to the original discussion. (Sorry, get used to it)
We have a list of the ten most commonly used defenses that we'll fire back. When that doesn't work, we have the "A-bomb" of all replies, which I will close out this entry with. Here, we go, friends.
TOP TEN REASONS WE GIVE TO PEOPLE ASKING WHY WE DONT WANT KIDS
10. There's too much travelling we want to do. When replied to with,
"You can bring the kid(s) with you," (in which I eyeroll thinking about the last screaming child I heard on a plane, that wound up on MY lap, because the mother next to me was crying out of embarrassment, true story) I reply with:
"That might be true. We could take them with us. However, last time I checked, they don't like being put into my carryon and stuffed into an overhead compartment."
That usually shuts them up, out of sheer terror.
9. The "Discovery Zone" Defense. I worked at DZ in my teen years. I've seen the horror of children between the ages of 2 and 12. I ripped out my ovaries, I am now barren. (Did it work? Shoot. Next)
8.
(PREFACE: Mom and Dad, please skip the following) We enjoy sex with each other. I do believe the common complaint post-child is, "We don't have sex anymore." Enough said.
7. We would like to keep our arguments about silly things such as "what to cook for dinner" or "what do you mean, I have to drink well?? I get hangovers, TOP SHELF PLEASE." We also like the idea of impromptu planning. Just getting up and going without spending an hour packing up the kids shit holders (i.e. "diapers")
6. We are too selfish. We tend to get looks of shock when we say this until we explain that being this way is the best reason NOT to have kids. Having kids for selfish reasons is the worst reason why. Get the difference?
5. I don't want to upset our cat, Louis. He's pretty needy as far as attention, not sure how he'd feel playing second fiddle to another house shitter that needs food and attention all the time.
Besides, scooping poop is a lot easier than changing diapers.
4. Speaking of Lou, he's already too expensive, with his fancy gourmet all-natural shredded chicken canned food, the adorable outfits he lets me put on him, his vet bills, his soft-paws I have to put on his paws so he doesn't scratch our leather furniture, his grooming, and of course all of his toys. HELLO! Clearly, we already have a kid.
3. The Jeffrey Dahmer defense. This is my favorite, because all I have to say is, "You know, Jeffrey Dahmer came from two awesome parents too. Lived in the quiet suburbs, supportive loving family. Clearly he wasn't right. So the point is, you never know what you're going to get, no matter how good the parents are." GOTCHA.
2. Still didn't work? How about this one: We're too far from our family. We don't live close to them, so don't you think they'd only want us to have children if they could be close enough to visit on the weekends? San Francisco isn't conducive to that. Most places aren't outside of the east coast.
and...the Number one reason:
1.
"You're going to have an awesome life."
Actual quote from several parents, and yes, always the same quote, EVERY TIME. At least a dozen or so in the past year alone, one of them being
a member of the family, where she said it in front of
her own children (they're young, don't worry).
Explain to me again, if you're a parent, why would you say that to someone sans children? I don't think we need to explain, I think the tired face, the sleepless nights, the disheveled hair, dirty clothes, and empty eyes that are seeking out the front window of the mini van longing for something different sums it up enough.
The pièce de résistance
Almost every time the "When are you having kids?" question is always directed to me, even if Chip is standing right next to me. So, this is how I ultimately see that interaction. By asking me, the inquisitor immediately tells me (albeit non-verbally) that they don't think think that this is a man's choice. Looking solely at me is removing Chip from the decision process. By the way, I find that hard to do, with needing that whole sperm thing.
By not posing a question to both of us, the person must inherently understand the following: MEN DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Well, they don't know that they do, of course. Have you ever seen the fear in a man's eyes when his female counterpart glowingly and excitingly reveals to him that she's "with child"? I'm not saying they won't be a good father,or happy for it after the news settles. But it's one of those wake up calls for every man. Men don't want kids because their intuition tells them they do. They want them because they didn't realize they wanted it until the woman says she's having one.
You may not agree. You don't have to. But it's how it is. Men don't have a ticking biological clock like women do. Men have a bio clock that is on auto-snooze. Sometimes, the clock just isn't plugged in or the batteries died.
So, by asking ME when we're having kids, I'm the one that has to defend the decision. Chip, my partner is standing right next to me and yet you don't attack his stance. Only the woman has to defend her ideology. If Chip is let off so easily on not wanting children, one can assume then that he doesn't have an opinion and he will deal with the child when I'm ready to procreate. But if he's not willing to do so, doesn't that negate our entire marriage, built of compromise and agreements?
Our marriage is a co-partnership. Decision making, especially big ones, like what furnitureto buy, what to make for dinner, what bar to go to...and children, should be made and agreed upon together, right?By removing Chip from the rapid fire accusatory questioning ultimately only negates our vows, doesn't it?
It's not just my decision. It's not just my marriage. It's not just my uterus...Okay, it is. Butas they say, "It takes two to tango."
And the tango, my friends is a dance. And a relationship is a dance between two people.
Unless you've got two left feet. Then, it's a deal breaker.
